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To Remember

“Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met.”

Bakit ganun?

March is supposedly a summer month.

   So why did it rain hard yesterday? Half of me got soaked while waiting for a cab.

I thought I was over my dad's death.

   So why did I cry just as hard yesterday?
   Was I crying for myself? For Kiel? For both of us?
   Everything just came rushing back.


Barely three months after my father's death, another loved one left us.

Kiel's mom, Pellie Isip, passed away yesterday afternoon at 12.24 PM. I was with Kiel and his family during her last moments. We were in Medical Center Manila.

I feel sad. It's like I've lost another parent. Tita Pellie... ... Mommy .. was really nice to me. She told me she loved me. Really. Mahal kita, Bev. It was so overwhelming.

You know that ribbon that you put on the casket head? The one that says, In loving memory of husband and children, etc.? ... Well. My name was there too. Beside Kiel's. I was so surprised. I was telling Adie about it this morning. ... I haven't really done a lot of things for her. Compared to everyone else, I'm just tiny. But still, they put me there, like I'm really part of the family na.

Kiel's niece, Daphnie, sees mommy around. She asked the people around her, "Bakit po dalawa ang mommy?" [She calls her mommy, and her mom, Stephanie (Kiel's sister), mama] They asked her, "What do you mean, Daph?" Now, Daph is a precocious child. She's very smart and sharp, and she doesn't lie. Really. She said: "Kasi po di ba, she's sleeping upstairs? Bakit ko po siya nakikita sa clouds? Nandun po sya, may wings na malaki, naka-white, mahaba ang hair, may crown at may wand. Parang Barbie Mariposa. I like Barbie Mariposa."

When we went back to their home, she said that mommy was watching us from the second floor window, and she was smiling. When we went to the funeral parlor, Daph said mommy went inside, with her wings, crown, dress, and wand, and she went to look at herself in the coffin.

 I guess mommy shows herself to the innocent.


Mommy is at the Divine Mercy Viewing Chapel, National Road, Tunasan, Muntinlupa City.It's in front of Beato Medical Clinic, and just a few meters from the San Pedro Boundary. If you want to go see her, do inform me so I can come with you. She'll be there until Sunday.


Thank you for your prayers, everyone.~


Parang...I long to cuddle my own babe.

I dunno. Maybe nadadala ako sa mga photos of some batchmates/schoolmates who are cuddling their young'uns.

I mean, I KNOW I am so NOT ready for motherhood. I still have so much to do. I want to travel. I want to shop. I want to have long gimik nights without worrying about someone crying out for me. I want to look at my boobs and think they're gorgeous because they are, and not because they have milk in them.

Sabi nga ni ninang, it's not enough na you like kids. You must really love them, in order for you to become a good mother. Unconditional love.


But it looks so nice, cuddling your babe. *sigh*

Giving Way

I'm better now. :)

Thanks everyone, for the words of support.~

Thanks for the date, Ken.

Love all you guys. ^__^


This day started out well.

I planned a surprise. Everything was set.

I made the decorations for the thing I planned out to do.

I got some cake.

Breakfast was good.

The birthday party was fun. I love seeing my little nephews and nieces.

Then it turned bad.

Then worse.

Now sour.

What a day.

Last Valentine's day was blah.

I vowed for it to not happen again this year.

Well. Now it's not Blah. It's now Aaaaaaaaargh.


I was supposed to surprise Kiel today. He's in PGH now, with his mum. But he told me he was set to go home tomorrow afternoon. I was so excited. I planned on this surprise: I was going to sneak in his room and decorate it with cute little hearts and hang them on his ceiling. Once he enters the room, I'll be there waiting with the decos and a cake. It's a small thing to do, but I really wanted him to smile. But then I found out that he's going to be stuck at the hospital there.

It's so unfair. Tatlo silang magkakapatid, yet he's the only one staying by his mum's side. And he's not leaving her. It's so noble, yet so ... I don't know. I've seen my dad and his sisters take turns taking care of their ailing and dying parents. I have seen and know how hard it is for them, seeing that they all have their own families and day jobs to take care of. But they managed. They were together all the time.

Kiel uses the, "Sila kasi may mga anak" excuse for his sisters. It's appalling. I'm sorry, I just had to say that. It's so unfair. So unfair.

So basically, everything compounded. Snowball effect. And now we're not talking. Again.

What a day.

Turn This Day Around

3 Libras

Threw you the obvious
And you flew with it on your back
A name in your recollection
Down among a million, say:
Difficult enough to feel a little bit
Disappointed, passed over.
When I've looked right through,
To see you naked and oblivious
and you don't see me

Well I threw you the obvious,
Just to see if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy.

Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see,
See through it all,
See through,
And see you.

So I threw you the obvious
Do you see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy

Well, oh well..

Apparently nothing.
Apparently nothing at all.

You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me at all

Six Months

Kiel and I were talking this evening about marriage and commitment. We were tackling about a dozen topics all at the same time. (Tangent: I really like that about us. Our talks just fly off the handle, yet we simply go back on track. Kewl.) Then I remembered something that one of my friends told me.

She told me that, before Kiel and I finally settle down, I should give Kiel his Kalayaang Seminarista. At least that's what she calls it. She likened it to a man who is about to be ordained: After a young man goes through the rigorous training, studies, and theories of theology (I think it's for six years? Correct me if I'm wrong), the Church sets him "free". For two years, he gets to Taste the World. (Notice my caps. I know you're all smart, so I don't have to explain, yuh?)

My friend told me to give the same freedom to Kiel. "Pero wag naman two years," she said. "Maybe six months lang."

Hmm. Six months.

Six months of freedom, for the both of us. To push boundaries to the limit. No barriers, no No's, no holds barred. It's like being in an open marriage: committed, but dating. It's Complicated (TM).

I don't find it objectionable. But I was having a hard time bringing it up to Kiel. I thought that he might be offended by the fact that I'm offering him his "freedom" for six months, i.e. he might think that minamaliit ko yung love nya, or whatever. But surprisingly, Kielot agreed to such an arrangement.

We agreed that, yes, right now we're totally in love, and strong, and blahblahblahblah... But, "forever is still forever." Ayaw lang namin na we'll have regrets some day because we had repressions that were forever, well, repressed.

Admittedly, there are a lot of things I cannot do because I am attached. And there are reeeeeeally stupid that I really want to try before I get tied down.

Wala lang, I find it pretty cool to have a level-headed talk about something this...surreal. It's like I gave him and he gave me the license to fuck (literally or figuratively) around. Not that we will, but who knows.

We are made of awesome, I tell you. :))

Smelly Love

I got this from Rise Over Run Mag. This is an excerpt from Lust and Love...Smelly, Smelly Love by Trevor Always Wins:

MEN. Listen up. Finding a woman you like is easy; finding one that isn’t annoying and bitchy is hard, but figuring out if you love her or not, however, is also easy. To figure it all out it takes two steps:

step one: take your brain out of your pants and put it back in your head.

step two: How cool is she without the sex? If she is your best friend, and you find it impossible to find another like her, then you got it made. If she is just another girl, keep looking.

My older brother, on the other hand, decided to add a third step…a very extreme one. He was your average small-town college kid. She was a beautiful girl from the windy city. They met in college and fell hard for each other. She said “I love you” often to him. To which he responded the same because he meant it. But he also knew he has been hurt in the past, and his trust in women was not 110 percent. So he gave her a test.

At one moment they were spending the night with each other. He looked at her intently and said “I love you.” She smiled back because she knew he meant it, and she responded “I love you too.” After those words he let loose the most evil and rancid fart known to man. He quickly jumped out of the bed and trapped her under the covers with the invisible beast. She frantically squirmed and gagged for air under the covers.

I’m not of liberty to explain what happened next…but what I do know is this. She moved down from Chicago to live with him. They laugh, have inside jokes, hold hands, and tell each other they love one another. And to do that, after being trapped in a poop cloud is love ladies and gentleman.


I found myself giggling after reading this. XD

I better be careful when Kiel says I love you in that very sweet way that he does... >_>

Postscript: Motel Adventures in a Picture

BEV: "So, first you lift the limbs for a more fruitful sensation..."

CROWD: "Oooooh..."

*happily hacked from Dang's FB

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April 2009


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